Middle School Language Arts

From Steven Wright: 

“In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.  Every crime ends with a sentence.”

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“Did you sleep well?”   “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”

“If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?”
                                        

From George Carlin:

“When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?”

“If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?”

“What if there were no hypothetical questions?”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?”

“If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?”